if you want to be free, be free

of course I'm going to be bold

I need to ask certain questions to understand my own life

2012, my year to be strong


I don't feel like writing on here for a little while

christmas eve service

i deleted this post because i hated it

Dear Lord,

I want to give my life back to You
I'm holding onto it way to tightly
people, events, and wantings
they are getting in my way

I feel like I am dreaming of this amazing fantasy fairytale
that won't come true
I'm giving up
and giving it to You

endless in between

were just living this life
it's passing me by, by so fast
I look at myself and ask where the time is going
I watch hair grow, day by day

tonight was so much energy
wrapped in my head
I can't grasp it
and my arms can't wrap the surface of how wide it is

my ideas are becoming more crazy
I need some form of self explosition
where I can let it go
l e t i t a l l g o

right here

is an interesting group of people
at least to me

"you are very controlled by your feelings,

....Jessica".

Annie Armstrong told me that tonight
I like when people state things about me
because I can't see my outside
I can only see OTHER peoples outsides


well it's true folks, I'm very controlled by feelings

is it bad to be impulsive or have a strong feeling for something?
I guess that is how I've always lived...


I hope I never have a broken heart. period.

so let's start with the last day of school

or at least the last couple days of fall semester 2011. I took photography 3 which is a 6 unit horribly hard and time consuming commercial photography class. Basically PRODUCT photography, I hated it but this class taught me how to work hard for the first time in my life. Believe it or not. I almost dropped it in the beginning, shed tears in the middle and ended up making great friendships. This class completely turned around on me from horrible bitterness to almost feeling sad to leave. My brain has never been expanded with so much knowledge before.

my class:


I also took photo 4 which is a portrait photography class. this...was easier but not as easy as I thought. It taught me how to use studios for portrait...which I was so stubborn and thought I didn't need. I'm glad I went through it. For my final project we had to pick a "theme" and my theme was boarding. Within that theme I tied in fashion, gymnastics, couples, and a group shot because my teacher asked for a group shot.
my class presentation could not have gone any better


speaking of boarding, I started to skateboard and I feel in LOVE...but the day I fell in love is the day my board got stolen. I'M SO SAD.


All I canPhotography is definitely the hardest subject I've ever studied.

I miss writing

I'll come back and let you know what's going on




to my souls,
plural
never a negative feeling
I just don't like being apart
there's a few of you
just promise to come back
let go

I've been meaning to update

but I CAN'T! either I'm not home near a computer
or I WANT to write but my excited thoughts can't keep up with my normal hands and body. it won't let me do it.


a lot has been happening
not all that I understand

CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!

last day in the smc studios (until spring...)
I'm so happy I stuck with the class instead of dropping it
hardest class of my life
final on wednesday then winter break!!!!

at the moment,

my room is a mess
my car is a mess
my brain is a mess

all because of photo 3 which is the hardest class I've ever taken in my life...not to mention it's 6 units.
I feel like I'm in photography hell

5 more days till it's all over
.....if I pass

European Bands

are the best bands

Noah and the Whale

Ben Howard

Bombay Bicycle Club

Stornoway

Life in Film

and saw The Kooks last night @ the music box!!! crazy but awesome night...have been wanting to see them since I was 15 years old.

Franklin & Annie

have you ever thought about the weight of Los Angeles?

did you know the tallest building in LA is a bank building aka MONEY RUINS EVERYTHING. or at least the bible tells me so. surrounding that building is about 5 other bank buildings. MONEY RULES THE WORLD.

well last week I thought about mass production & sugar+salt because I was reading ecclesiates 5:11 "as goods increase, so do those who consume then.

health facinates me

and tonight I was reading in proverbs 4 "my son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body"

I have been having a battle inside of my brain over things that I can and cannot control. the things I was most are the things that I cannot control

come back sometime, I assure you it will never be too late

I still want to hibernate

I'm sick the world, but it's sucking me in

a lot of thoughts have been running through my mind, but I don't feel like sharing because what is the point?

recent likings + doings

food:

top ramen + ice cream sandwiches

snow peas + rice cakes

clothes:

yellow beanies

light jean jackets

printed sweaters

bands:

metric

ben howard

cold war kids (old stuff)

florence & the machine

places:

malibu

los angeles

photos:

I might just fall off the face of the earth

or at least I wish I could

I feel like no one completely understand me, and it frustrates me. I'm a lost soul.

I need to hibernate

I wish my brain could just slow down

I'm stressing, lately

even my dreams are telling me so


why must I enter adulthood?

it's funny how things work out

I'm planning an escape

since my portrait job is only seasonal, I'm thinking that I'll save up all the money from it and go exploring.

first stop: Washington to meet Amanda for the first time ever!

second stop: San Diego to visit Ashley

third stop: San Francisco to visit Cameron again

probably not in that order, but hopefully before spring semester starts! in the mean time, I'm going to keep praying that my photo career starts soon. though, Brandy Melville did mention they might want to send me to Santa Cruz to shoot for their company! I hope it happens. I am also applying to Free People and Urban

I got baptized tonight

for the first time
no preparation
I knew it was the time
I didn't even want to go to church
this morning, OR tonight


I've been spiritually dead
fighting back and feeling selfish
tonight was the night to be obediant
nothing else matters
as I was waiting to leave early, the pastor (or Gods message through the pastor) he happened to say "and I stay till the end, nothing bugs me more then after the message people decide to leave early...just so they can get their daily bread and leave" it was a little super natural. NONE of my friends were there either, which is not normal. I think it was meant to be like that

I pray for a uplifting friend...someone to inspire ME. I feel like I'm always pouring into other people, and no one is pouring into me.

hannah happened to be my mentor tonight, which is crazy because I've grown up with her in a way. she always seems to pop up in my life.


from now on
Jessica is patient
Jessica is kind
She does not boast
and is not proud.
Jessica does not dishonor others
she is not self seeking
or easily angered
she keeps no records of wrong doings
Jessica does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

ugh

I just want to be free


from california, and everyone in it

oh yes

today I hung out with Franklin

and we did a lot of neat stuff

day well spent

I have to post about yesterday though! Annie and I drove all through venice, santa monica, malibu, topanga, the valley, hollywood, anaheim. many pictures + NOAH AND THE WHALE! 3rd time seeing them in 2011

"were going to die reguardless. Hello 10 out of 10 people die"-Brianna

wind! strike me, pull me but don't push me over

walkways above freeways can leave you with fear

but courage makes for great memories

never let that leave me, please

but I agree to one thing: don't hop the fence to get to the LA river at night time because "nothing good happens at night", my dad always told me. some outings are labeled "D U M B"

last night, before all the nonsense, Brianna and I set foot on a man made 5-sense-full adventure...and one of the shortest ones to date.

I want to feel that rush again

I lie in your charms

thoughitharmsthebestofme

A n d I h o p e l i k e a c h i l d

Widow of the sea

willyoubetherewhentheday'sdone

willyoubethereunderthesameunder

thesamesununderthesameunderthesamesun

myyearnoughtaturnthesethings
turnthesethingsaround

I l e a r n e d f r o m y o u
ohImadetheseplansmadetheseplans

withyouarounddearwithyouarounddear

willyoubetherewhentheday'sdone

willyoubethereunderthesameunder

thesamesununderthesameunderthesamesun

lalalalalalalalalovelyasyouare,mydear

I think I'm insane,

or maybe I just have an "artists mind"

I just went back and read all my old posts. I am a roller coaster, and I don't even know it. one week I'm struggling and the next I'm having a great time. I'm truly a mixture of both.

what's going on

what is going on

first step, solitude

then second step, I don't know what it is yet but I pray for traveling

4 more weeks of school

I will survive, I'm scared

why is school so intense?

it's blowing my mind

photography is hard

then will I be aloud to take the train wherever I want?

tonight was okay...I would have much rather spent it creating my portfolios for free people and urban outfitters, but sometimes I make dumb decisions.

tomo

rrow

is a

new

day

!!!!!

"Jessica..." I keep telling myself,

..."everything in this world is either for the glory of God, or the glory of Satan...so why do you keep giving into tempation?"

"I guess I am only flesh." I reply.

(I always seem to justify everything)

I've been

slipping.

I need

something,

or someone

to hold me

accountable.

I pray for

that, or you.

I made these for breakfast

journal from scratch

I was talking with my friend Franklin the other day, and we discovered we both are deep thinkers. Days later I told him that he should make a blog because it is a great outlet for thoughts, as well as adding photos. He replied telling me that he would rather make a journal, because of privacy, etc. (boys usually like journal better anyway, I've discovered) So I told him that I have a pair of my dads old jeans that I've been dying to making something out of, and that I would make the journal for him- as long as he writes in it.

Supplies:
Shoe Box for cardboard
Jeans
Notebook Paper and Cardstock
Brads
Plastic 4x5 sheets
Envelope
A pencil
Paint
Beads



I also made a lot jean jewelery but I need a model to wear it :)

do you ever feel like me?

Me, well I'm sort of complex.

but right now I'm sick of the world, actually I'm sick of the youth that surrounds me! I can't have a facebook, I just can't. That website drives me nuts. oh...and tumblr? I HATE IT. I don't even have one, but looking at others disgusts me because it's only what they want to be, not who they are.
then I read what people have to say...and I no longer laugh and make a joke out of it...I go CRAZY! I can't stand it...or how about the "image" they try to create? can people get anymore UN original?
everyone is the same because of "trends". let me tell you, I hate trends. just a bunch of shallow people copying one another. EVERYONE IS SO WORLD-LY.
people say me and my friends are "trendy" but PLEASE, don't be fooled. we stay far away from those brand name stores as we can. I hate brands so much, I go digging in the thrift store.

then we all die...THEN WHAT? I hope you loved your profane, lustful, and shallow little lives.

back to the way I felt in august for me;suffocated
I need to get out, but where do I go?

nov. 14. 11

i deleted this too because i hated it

I think I've mentioned it before

but I'm teaching myself how to cook! about every week I do a new recipe...but I've only done breakfast so far. I think it's because I love breakfast.

this week I made apple cinnamon pancakes:

this day, I saw a movie in the movie theaters by myself for the first time ever. I'm not a movie person, though.

pt.2: last night was like the 1970s

feist concert, luck and some more spontaneous luck
thrill, scarcity
first time at the wiltern

it was one of those nights, where nothing else mattered and you did what you felt...only...but I wouldn't see feist again

pt. 1

tonight was way more interesting than it looks
tonight was a night of luck
minor major minor major, repeat