Wednesday, May 29, 2013

at least today I do

made to release some of my frustration, dissatisfaction and stress

i'm so excited to go away for 2 months and not take least not for a job, school, or something of that nature

I'm so excited to be free from all I know
wanderlust, and what not

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

ever since my college counselor confirmed that I had completed over 60 units to receive my first college degree (AA in Photography), I've had this still and silence feeling of slight sadness that has grown stronger as the last week of school approaches me.

Earning a photography degree was incredibly awesome...humbling...eye learning...people accepting...friend making...and most importantly growth of myself.
I went into college not wanting to make any friends, nearly dropping out of photography in general and wanting to finish as S O O N as I could.
None of that happened.
In fact it was all the opposite.
....I'm attached....
this always happens to me... this is how I felt leaving highschool. College was the same as highschool; a small group of people who all know each other, talk about each other, revolve around each other in a sense. you know what teacher you're going to get for what class, and all of that.

College was exactly what I needed in this young stage of my life entering adulthood. It's all so weird now though, like leaving and this time not having a program or school to go to. It's just life now... it's finding work and doing your BEST! I hope I don't fail. I hope I am successful. People tell me I will be, but what is honestly up to me to decide. But of course I am going to be. Why would I not? so in 10 years when people asked me what I did with my life and all I can say is that I never accomplished my dreams. no....

Anyway today was just another little reminder about how a stage in my life is coming to an end. It was the last day of normal class. 2nd to last time I might see some of these people again. 2nd to last time I'll be at Santa Monica College- where I spent a lot of my energy, life, love, stress, happiness, tears, feelings of accomplishment for the past 3 years.

Standing up on the 9th floor (pictured) of my friends apartment and looking down at spread out  eucalyptus trees and watching humans as they frantically walk to or from wherever they may be going ....being reminded of how small we are and how big life is.

It's all so weird...

...and I hate goodbyes

whatever, at least I enjoyed today but it was all so melancholy 

May 27th

Annie left for the East Coast two months ago. The last time I saw her we went to in n out and I shamelessly ate a bag full of vegetables while I watched her eat her double double, well done fries and dr pepper. That night I promised her the next time I saw her I would enjoy in n out with her.

and tonight the promise was fulfilled...and it was so worth it.

I picked her up from airport, we sat in a windy park with our dinner experiencing the energy from the fast pace street and loud sky while we talked of Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts, and the things inbetween.

it's all so silly
times goes by so fast
I love her

Monday, May 27, 2013

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

i wanna shout!

shout shouts of joy
shout shouts for hard working mindset
should shouts for the moments of inspiration that just keep creeping on me

whistle that tune
boy, "what's the name of it?"
"powerful man" he says

goodnight thoughts that drive me
thoughts that I never tell the loud universe
maybe under the sheer sheets that lines me
that lines me but is transparent
come a little closer, I say
no one ever does
Dear Lord I pray for the persons[s]  that do
Dear Lord I pray for so much!
I just want to shout to you all that is on my heart
my mind, my job, my school, my friends, e v e ry t h i n g
but it's way too much,
I promise I'll try
everything, with everything I will give you my all!
come a little closer

"please another...I'm inspired. just play so I can be in the moment..."
"now what is that one I ask?"
"I don't know if I've ever come up a name for that one"
"do you wanna name it for do you not wanna name"
"untitled one"
*plays the charlie brown introduction

but really,
I'm going to get real with myself because I can only get real with a select few depending upon the nature of that spirit
but really, for real...God has been answering A  L L my prayers

everything has been up and down
down and up
corner to corner
zig zagging around in my effortless heart that I strongly want to put effort into
circle around my brain
and spiral around my veins

*inmythoughts*"W o r k H a r d Je s s i c a, you're really bad at it" I tell myself
just do it
will you ever do it?
follow your dreams, why would you ever not want to

Saturday, May 11, 2013

1: Bekka Gunther

Me: "just be filled with peace"
Bekka: "let me see if I can do that"

every time I go through some kind of inner battle, I run to Bekka. If there is one person who can stand me back up on my feet and get me out of my discouraged mind set and pump me up to do something, it's Bekka. If there is one person who can understand my soul, speak my language completely and heal's Bekka. I am an incredibly deep  person and she is the only (well, there has been one other...but I don't know where they are right now) person who can get on my level. I feel like when were together my words become alive and I can finally talk, feel, grasp, and  breathe again.

Something in me figured she was the perfect person to start with and that something was right as I watched the day unfold. Through the long canyon drives, honest songs, velvet winds, warm sun rays and chilled still waters, laughs, talks,  flowing words, screaming till there was no more air in our fragile lungs, blind poetry, stories of travel, 30 second drawings, predicted thoughts, and future ended being exactly what I needed.

Anyway, I don't know where I am going with this series really.....but what I do know is that were all just a little quick to judge, and forget that these HUMANS have eyes, stories, souls, lungs to breathe with, arms to hug with and hearts to love with. We forget that they are a person by the trials they go trough, mistakes they make and we make ourselves feel better by pity and self gratifying gossip that we feel entitled too and we simply forget what it feels like to be S O M E O N E.

But if I'm going anywhere with it, then it would photograph a myriad of different humans asking them questions (like I do best) and seeing life through their eyes that hopefully will inspire me, grow me, culture me, and let me learn to love life through someone else's perspective. I think we all need to understand our race better..the human race.

Myself included.

new series: I know how it feels to be someone

if you wanted me to sit down and write out what my brain has been thinking for a while, it may look like the image on the left. Scattered. It is full of these powerful thoughts and ideas, but they are so fragmented and tattered that putting them into a sentence wouldn't be possible. 
I've wrote, and rewrote what I've wanted to say about this series and it brings me to the image on the right.
Something I didn't write, actually, but something that just caught my eye to which I admired and felt the need to photograph.
...this could explain a lot of my life ((Impulsive photographs))
Maybe I'm slowly figuring it out as I type this last draft.

Anyway, I was driven crazy by my thoughts last night, as per usual, trying to come up with ideas that were simply just not there... I thought maybe I should take a step back... or maybe I should take two steps closer?

I liked the idea of being close.

I think were all too distant. 

I think were all a little too quick to judge.

Sometimes...just sometimes I think we forget what it feels like to be "someone" 

So...this brings me to my next venture and  I still don't really even know what that is

words for inspiration: passion, scream, harmony, youth, excavate

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

May 7th

today I was in a pessimistic mood and kept having to change my mind every 10 minutes. everything from the door not closing right to way the temperature of my air conditioner and all the in between. I actually amazed myself about how bad my attitude was.

over all, the day was awesome though
and life has been great!