Have you ever had that moment where you realize there was something beautiful inside of you?
Almost as if you soul approved of what has been exported and exploding out of you-
from your lips, your hands, your heart
That was God-
The beauty of the perfect one shining in you, showing you that He has created you so wonderfully
But have you ever had that moment when you hated every inch of your being? -
the hatred, the anxiety, the rage
Pouring out, drowning you
Wondering "will it ever STOP!"
Screaming out, yet finding nothing to ease the pain
Thinking "why can't the one I love most fix me" and "why is this music just a short fix" like morphine, so good, yet impermanent
Do you run? To food, to arts, to a warm body, to drugs to hallucinate what isn't there. Too all of those feel good senses that last seconds simply lacking the One Love, the maker of your soul who is quietly and gently pursuing you and whispering "I love you, I made you, you are beautiful"
That faint sound-
That one you almost don't believe.
Thinking inwardly and outwardly "why would I believe that, that is dumb" or possibly even "why would God love ME"
And even looking to me, at this photograph, thinking "she's just delusional- almost as delusional as the drugs I ingest"
But in the midst of your agony you know you need love. That one true love. And then you start to listen and the voice only grows louder as you humbly begin to hear "I love you, I made you, you are beautiful" and your soul begins to understand and everything beautiful in you begins to becomes alive again.
Friday, July 25, 2014
It feels weird titling this "Sweden; last memories" because it seemed so short-a-go when I was titling my blog "The First Week in Sweden". I actually wanted to title this "The left overs" but I thought that might be offensive to some and maybe just over all sound messy. However these are the left overs. These are photos scattered through a month (mostly the last week, though) from random memory cards with random memories attached to them. It's kind of like the left overs as well because there is SO much more to the last times than what is just shown. I was quite lazy and I lacked capturing these times. Most days I was pick up my camera before heading out with people to only find myself setting it down seconds later internally saying "no Jessica, you will enjoy this for yourself, fully experience it and view it through your own eyes rather than your camera".
It also feels weird that I have went, experienced and left Sweden already. It's been a full 3- almost 4 months of my life. I remember the first day saying "WOW 3 months, we will be here a long time" with a quick reply "yeah, but it will fly by so fast". I didn't want to believe it, since I'd already fallen in love with the big red house surrounded by bright green nature and a almost-green river right outside.
I've really been enjoying the last moments here- in Linkoping and in Stockholm. Everything has meant something- to the way they smiled at me- or didn't to the time someone would spend with me, the laugh they created with me, or even the solitude I spent as I watched from a distance a human appreciating one another. I did every because it was the "last"- like hanging out when I didn't feel like it, playing a game when it was totally unlike me, and often going out of my normal ways. It always was worth it.
Stepping back into "real life" (what is real life anyway?) has been sort of interesting. First of all, I've been sick with a cold since I left Linkoping. That makes 5 days now. I was living in some kind of vortex the past 3 months; a vortex where I learned more about myself, others, cultures, and more about God than maybe my whole life. So that has played a part in these last 5 days back into the world, but I don't have time to explain- I'm leaving in 30 minutes! AH But being back into the world…is…wow. AMAZING. I love it. I love friends, I love choosing my own food, I love making my own decisions, I love doing whatever when I feel like it. I love waking up when I decide to. I love it. It's such a blessing. Life is so beautiful
These past 2 morning I've woke up in Iceland I've just wanted to praise God for the life I've been given and for just the simple fact for full rest and waking me up to start a brand new day- have another beautiful chance. Thank you Lord for all the these beautiful moments. Thank for Lord for all of these beautiful humans, creations and all of the love that surrounded me, carried me and cared for me.
It's only more and more proof of how beautiful, creative, amazing, deep, funny, intelligent, and great You are.