JESIALEX : June 2014

I want to write, I have many thoughts but it's kind of late in the night and my roomate is about to go to bed.
Today was different.
I felt restless and then my friend revealed to me that I may be bored.
I never feel bored...but I guess I was bored.
I turned to ice cream. I craved it all day long.
I really want to study nutrition. Pack up, move to a new city, join a new church and go to school. I've though about this for years now.
Hm.....
but God made it clear he wanted me to be in Sweden. Maybe I can re-ask him.

In the midst of me semi-complaining, feeling confused and maybe a little direction-less, my friend texted me saying "I think you should stay in Europe as long as possible"

I've realized that I make too big of goals.
I will start taking it day by day starting tomorrow

WHAT TO DO
WHAT TO DO

I'll listen to music for now...

here are some recent photos:

Lately nothing has been more beautiful than The Shared Moment. It's a quite something spending time together, whether it's a promising and long lasting relationship or a spontaneous and intimate 3 month friendship without the knowledge ever seeing each other again. Sharing life, time spent between 2,3 or a group of people, face to face in the same moment, the same laugh, or the simple wink of acknowledgement is all we really have. It's something that hit me really hard today as I've watched the theme of "goodbyes" take place this week. On Friday life hit me in a different way as I peered out the window watching the precarious weather change from sunny to rainy to windy to really rainy to calm. I felt I was in some kind of pixelated video game. The rain always makes me happy, give me some kind of inner fufillment. It made me realize how life is changing so much and so fast. Moments are so short, conversations never last forever and these God-breathed humans are walking in and out of my life with their own agenda.
This was a week of goodbyes. Saying goodbye to one of my roomates, Hannah who is heading home to Gothenburg. Saying goodbye to great teachers from London whom I felt great love for , Jose & Roxanna. Saying goodbye to Josh from France who brought great joy to our house for the past two weeks.. Saying goodbye with a well put-together party for Lisette who will be moving to Belgium to start a new adventure.
I want to be less sad of the passing of moments, the good byes, the "I may never see you agains" and be fully aware of The Shared Moment and thankful for words, looks and laughs exchanged.

Last week Doro, Amanda and I were talking about how we never get out. Our house is simply too comfortable. When we have free time, we relax in the house; when we have work to do; we do it in the house, when we want to hang out; we hang out in the house. We never get out! We said the following week would be different. However, the following week welcomed me in with a 3 day sickness with a touch of newly discovered allergies. I was in bed, while the rest of the group volunteered at a youth camp in the fields of Sweden hanging by a river and sleeping in tents. I was in bed, going crazy and with no motivation to go out. I was drowning in my thoughts- the days were long and I was in a downward spiral of emotions and moods.

It wasn't until Sunday, June 9th, where I felt "myself" again. Ever since magnetic trip to Iceland, my heart has been left dry. It started when Samuel told me he would appreciate if I would decorate his birthday party. My selfish self didn't want to, I just wanted to lay in bed all day and listen to music which was my problem in the first place. I quickly surrendered and gave myself over to the fields, I mean, it WAS his birthday. I found an interesting peace there as I embraced the sun that casted a long faded shadow speckle over all the flowers I was hunting. It's funny how a little serving, sacrifice and obeying God can do to you, it's interesting how sometimes it takes us so much to simply surrender.
Circular purple, spotted white and bubbly yellow flowers were scattered throughout the fields to soon made in an array of different arrangements from recycle tin cans which we had emptied for dinner weeks before.
People started to come in, one by one. I sat on the couch with my newly made French friend giggling in and out of our language barriers and joking of silly things like pronunciations and not being able to joke at all. People started to flood the yard, from all different cultures and nations around the world. It was amazing! I floated and buzzed around, finding myself back in my silly and cartoonish ways. I even found myself engaging in organized games, something I never do.
It was getting dark and the laughing syndrome only got "worse". I was taking photographs again- something I haven't done since Iceland. I was happy. I was free. I was realizing God was cleansing my heart and answering my prayers- giving me His eyes.
I was so inspired and I shouted to Doro "HEY! jump in the river right now, fully clothed and I'll photograph it?" with absolutely no hesitation she handed her digital devices over and did anything I said. I fell back in love with photographer. After that I proclaimed that this week would be the best week and I would challenge myself in activities in order to experience more life.

The week only got better. There was never a dull moment. From the moment we woke to the dimly lit nights where our head hit the pillow only to awake 4 hour later. Some days we had our eyes set on he inflatable boats, floating down the river and getting caught up in the endless lily pads- learning how to paddle again the current and strengthening our idea of team word. Other days we worked in the cafe and engaging in intense water battles.
This week was rich and incredibly dynamic. This week was complete- a full circle. New friendships, out door church services, "Miami", competitive bowling, being sick of being sick, the deeper meanings, the mood swings, climbing around tables, the intense games of Ninja, the post-run anonymous melodies lingering from the 3rd story of a brick building, the barefoot adventures, the make-up fasts, the wild flower allergies, beautiful sunsets and mild sunrises, intense teachings, "beach" baptisms and bike rides, music nights, silly reflections, "never have I ever", back yard barbecues, endless laughter, overwhelming joy and the almost-getting-on-the-roof-of-a-5-story building.

The last moments Doro and I sat by the river, later accompanied by Tobias, declared and prayed that the next week would be filled with an endless and super natural joy. This week were starting fresh.

Maybe it's good for goodbyes to be painful, maybe it means you were just really in love with life.

And so it goes...

Hej Da
Au Revoir
Adios
Auf Wirdersehen
Goodbye & Goodnight