2012

I got closer to Jesus Christ
turned 20,
became a full time photographer,
became a sibling,
made friends that I never thought I would be friends with,
reconciled with "enemies" by chance not choice,
traveled out of the country for the first time ,
had my photo on the home page of a website,
many answered prayers,
was let down and let up,
road tripped & camped ,
drove my self crazy,
got extremely happy,
got extremely sad,
overcame all obstacles ,
overcame almost all my fears
went to SO many concerts,
became interested in running,
have read some of my favorite books ever,
finished and passed my last general ed class,
always tried to remain a free spirit,
and always trusted in God no matter what because of his promise

2013 I'll be starting a new journey
I want to get published in some kind of magazine or lookbook
learn the guitar
lose more weight
read the whole bible
stay true to my word
be happy
focus on living in the moment
and never complain

12/26

after the day before today being not-so-great, today became an overwhelming crazy awesome day that I will never forget.

tasting
deals
talents
comfort
free, freedom
opportunities
all I when I did not deserve


and a beautiful rainbow that I could not even capture end to end

it ended with a little craziness, but I'll gladly accept :)

C o n f u s e d

Since I was young I've been on this search of who I am 

In between the happiness and the sadness  

Thinking I've found myself 

Yet new souls make me stumble with that knowledge

I am transformed so easily 

Blending, conforming 

Liking all the in between 

And being confused in the end 

I just want to find who I am

And I want to be happy 

I often wonder how people spend their lives being totally happy 

How everyone's life is totally different 

Some more lucky than others 

Happiness is a choice...right?

Or so I've been told 

It's insane how broken we can be

Job 14: 1-6

“Mortals, born of woman,
    are of few days and full of trouble.
² They spring up like flowers and wither away;
    like fleeting shadows, they do not endure.
³ Do you fix your eye on them?
    Will you bring them^[a] before you for judgment?
⁴ Who can bring what is pure from the impure?
    No one!
⁵ A person’s days are determined;
    you have decreed the number of his months
    and have set limits he cannot exceed.
⁶ So look away from him and let him alone,
    till he has put in his time like a hired laborer."

I love photography :)

shane & brianna

my current favorite people

the last lecture

"the bricks wall are there for a reason. they are not there to keep us out. the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something"

"when it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do"

lately; public transportation

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Paulo Coelho

i'm happiest when i'm traveling

wandering, adventuring, exploring

"if you're on a journey, enjoy the journey you're on"

"you're not obliged to shallow anything you despise" - the shins

lane changes, the way banana flavor resonates on anything close to it, driving by, buildings, skipping  beats, 19+irving, bus hoping, mediterranean + pomegranite, sharing//caring, license plates

San Francisco the past 4 days
I loved the markets
geneva, brazil, london, munich, persia

"if you do something, you should know why you did it"

4:11 am, I think I'm getting sick

i had a dream that i took some portal to iceland

but in my mind the map was like an elevator

the more north you went, the greater the height became

you, my love, told me "I don't know about you, but some places may seem small to some people but in reality they are like -pinches your fingers on the map to from small to big-pretty vast to me.

you were so clear, like a television newscast

I was afraid of falling into the world

I was so high up 

I believe we were there for three days

a school friend, a teacher and a best friend

I made my best friend upset

the morning was a rare golden greened horizon sunrise
so many elements wrapped together

it was beautiful, and a little frightening 

breathe is weak and body thin

press my nose up to the glass around your heartI should’ve known I was weaker from the startyou’ll build your walls and I will play my bloody partto tear, tear them down

+

my minds on next weeks roap trip: San Fransisco

Jayden: 9 months

The Human Experience

"Even in the deepest suffering, there is significance. There is a meaningful process of positive possibilities. We have to recover the language of humanity. We cannot understand suffering without it... there's this struggle in life in every class of people... it's what we do with it that matters. "

awesome documentary 

clouded mind & heavy heart

"To dream that you are standing on the edge of a cliff means that you have reached an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You have reached a critical point in your life and cannot risk losing control. "

interesting

last night I went to Skid Row with a group of friends and fed the homeless. It was really awesome. 

I've been deep in my thoughts lately, everyone thinks there is something wrong but I'm fine. Maybe there is something wrong but I'm not that aware.

I've been really inspired to just keep going. Taking every opportunity to grow and to help one another.

Conversations have been interesting

My mind has been elsewhere

I can't focus on normal things

I'm not trying to be rude

today I really enjoyed the mumford and sons new album

I don't really write in this anymore due to my personal journal. It's just so much more freeing in there. No one can see. I don't have to hide anything. I am starting a new blog series though on all different crosses, it will just be photographs of crosses everywhere.

I'm going through a phase 

love would win if it would fight

going camping with my soul sister!

Bekka:

leaving at 6am tomorrow for the Eastern Sierras! will be back sunday

I turned 20

and my friends through me the best party ever

often times I wonder if musicians get tired of going on tour and playing the same song 2034851013 times

or do they always love it?

because I know when I have to tell the same story about 5 times, I want to shoot myself in the head...but then again that is how they get money to live...so whether or not they love it, they have to pretend they love it

right....?

handz and feelingz

feelings,
feelings, what we hold to
i'm always feeling my feelings
I can't help how much I feel. I let my feelings take over most of the time. My passion controls me. I let my feelings confuse me, I let my feelings guide me to unrealistic lands, places I wish of so bad. I dream in feelings.

my heart leads me astray
my heart tears me apart
my heart guards my life

I'm in love with your hands; you inspired me to write this. I enjoyed the last time spent together. I don't think it's right, but I missed your touch. I enjoyed your touch, but I don't think I could go back to your touch.

Adventure-less

I consider myself full of adventure, but I need bigger and greater
Routine drives me crazy.
I want to be everywhere at once
but I am here, and I've been here forever
yeah, I escape but I come back
I need more adventure
I need fresh air
I need fresh ideas, thoughts, people
I'm itching

lately nothing has been satisfying me
it's all boring me
I can't sit still, ever
music is barely doing the job

my dreams were weird last night
something are following, they are holding me captive
it's been so long, I know nothing els

I need some more connections;
full of life and full of love

sometimes I think I might grow up to be insane

I'm so confused on views
feelings overwhelm me
what's the point in expressing anything
we are not made to me alone
but being with; well, that's exhausting
in what you may think of me
I'm numb
and to all the others
bitterness attacks
advice attacks
my thoughts attack
leads me one state of mind to another
let me escape to my realm
the realm of my mind
it's only safe for a while
until I express
but I won't

Sorry I've been gone pt. 2

THINGS ARE SO STRANGE

Sorry I've been gone

here are some photographs of recent;

strength

I've missed what I've been without for 3 months
I've done so well!
been so strong!
but today, before the day..my friends and I have dwelt of the dark past
past is the past, will never been the present
I need strength in my bones right about now

I post when I feel

but lately I haven't felt
everyone who inspires me
everyone who I enjoy
everyone who makes me feel
well, they have gone away
truthfully I'm sad about it
I don't feel very alive

"great adventures. ha"

was the 3rd comment in my dream last night
life has been filling me up
I'm doing what I'm supposed to
this absence represents the current feelings
school is hectic
photography is soaring
I went to the passion play and a carnival last night
yesterday was a blessing
life is a blessing!
Happy easter!


ALL I've been listening to is Ben Howard...for months. The Cd tells a story of my life, currently. I relate to it, I love it.

I've been staying up till 3

and sleeping in till 1, and this strangely annoys me yet this is what most people would do every day if they could. Since I don't have a demanding job, and school is only two days a week, life has been very freeing...

yet fleeting

last night I prayed for something, and this morning I got 3 little remembrances of it/you.

it's been good, better.
I'm more content with things.
I've been ignoring everything around me.

I'm not awake, but I'm not quite asleep

in this state of mind I felt hawks
in my drowsy state of mind I felt pressure
swarming above, coming down upon me
black hawks
lucid issues
dealt with lightly, a little happy



I'm not awake, but I'm not quite asleep...this may be the start of a new journey

something I've learned lately

is when we are insecure about yourselves, we are telling God he didn't do a good enough job of making us. God made you, created you perfectly how He wanted too. Satan wants you to feel insecure, of course, but insecurity is not a fruit of the spirit


embrace yourself, this life is fleeting

chillen at 212 pier, Venice

welcome back, school

first day back in the Studios


phone shot of my perfume Ad shot, I was using a 4x5 camera with chrome (fingers crossed that my negatives came out)

today was nice. I went to school with Annie and Franklin. Got a 4 hour studio time. Went to the 99 cent store and whole foods for props. Did a another shoot at sunset on the beach with wine glasses. Stay on the beach till dark. Explored a bit. I love Malibu.

I felt at peace
Today was a really nice and accomplishing day.
The air was so fresh.

I want to escape the world and live in the mountains

when will I be free

i'm stupid because I am free

creation > evolution

I first started out my facebook status with

"so if evolution was real, how did a beating heart evolve from growing grass? or what about about a bird from a diamond? or the ability to produce light from human emotions? and if it all evolved from a single cell organism, where did that organism come from???"

this got much much much debate (which is also really weird, why does God cause so much controversy...I think that means he's real) anyway, eventually it ended with facts and science and arguing and sarcasm. People started getting off topic

I went on to say "parts of evolution are definitely real hello, survival of the fittest. not disagreeing but I don't think it all evolved from a single cell. maybe I should rephrase evolution meaning creation is not real....i'm really just asking where did that organism come from, ya'll. one of the reasons I believe in God so much is because this world is AMAZING. things grow, the sun rises and sets, not one of our thumb prints is the same, and on the topic of food: there are SO many different kinds...and so on and so on and so on."

BASICALLY, it's just too amazing to me that my baby sister Jayden was created because goop was on this earth...that people don't know what created that goop. 9 months spent in the womb, she now is a human who has a beating heart, a brain, all organs and she will function and grow to be an adult one day. I mean we take for granted that we have hearts and brains...but think about how complex those organs are. Pure intelligence to create the brain. and emotions? I can't even explain that because it's not tangible. I don't believe that was an accident from the earth, I really do believe she was created for a purpose just like you and me. I mean everyday we live our lives for a purpose, to get a job, to find love to have children to feel happy, etc...why would there not be a purpose to the big picture? that we are just small little vessels of

I love her

little baybeh

today, January 31 2012 my little sister Jayden Mackenzie was born! I haven't held it her yet though, because I have been house sitting/ dog sitting/ gym working :) but tomorrow after my art history class I'll be visiting my mom for a couple hours! which means I have the house to myself! yeehaw



anyway, this is my perfect chance to start practicing new born photography!
as for me, I've been in winter school, doing some fake advertising photoshoots for school assignments, trying my best to live for God, hanging with Bri, and hitting the gym 2 hours a day 7 days a week :) and I'm going to winter camp from Friday to Sunday! no cell phones, no distractions just God and making new friends. I have been waiting for this since August.

hope you are well

I'M FREE

did you hear that?
I am my own person
I am not
bound, tied, twined
to anything or anyone

please don't make me feel that way

because i'm free

right now

all I want is to sip on my hot chocolate, listen to Bombay Bicycle Club and edit my photoshoot that I did today.

this brings me back to 10th and 11th grade

where did the time go? when indie music wasn't called indie music, photography was never a hassel, I actually enjoyed facebook, I wished to be 19, and I would make all different kinds of tea thinking I was old and cool

days I decide to stay home, 5 people literally text me ask me what I am doing. jeez. it's the devil trying to persuade me to do something bad

anyway, here is what I did today:

again,

I am driven nuts by everyones ridiculous posts on facebook

but one thing that REALLY drives me nuts is how cocky some people are

it's so amazing how hot you think you are

or how big your head is

or how everyone feeds into making your head that big

I want to delete you, you, you, you oh and you.

but I can't because were "friends"

BARF BARF BARF BARF BARF BARF

another thing I hate is when I'm with someone and they say "she's not even that pretty" or "no offense but she's ugly" or "she's chubby" OR "she's really fat"

honestly, if she's ugly, and fat then I'm REALLY ugly and really fat. watch what you say, everyone is equal and beautiful and EVERYONE is fighting a battle

anyway, I tried doing that one day blog post thing like I've done in the past with my blogs...but I'm never home. ever.

Jan. 13. 12

I'm sitting home right now on this beautiful friday listening to a mix of switchfoot and foster the people pandora radio station. I just made myself this ice blended banana, coffee thing, it's amazing. I'm trying to be healthy, maybe I'll learn how to make a good spinach salad or something. I have some photography jobs that I'm procrastinating on.

I enjoy my solitude

everyone is a let down

who knows what today will bring, it just turned noon.

all I know if that I'm going in the hot tub tonight

Jan. 12. 12

some inspiration flowing through me
getting some jobs
wanting more, but trying to live with less
ultimately trusting the Lord
learning about the different architecture
going out, living free


two door cinema club
foster the people
miike snow
bombay bicycle club
yeah yeah yeahs


sick of all this image, yet everyone is obsessed with it




last night;
fashion little thang
251 LA
some houes on white oak
random people, random parts of life

Jan. 6/10/11. 12

skip

Jan. 9. 12

there's no other day that I felt this alive

Jan. 8. 12

Albatross (metaphor): a psychological burden that feels like a curse

interesting movie



layed in bed all day with Bri. being sick sucks.
school tomorrow

Jan. 7. 12

sucharandomnight

Jan. 5. 12

I need more movement

Jan. 4. 12

Jan. 3. 12

first day of winter class
art history
christian conversations and debates
said hi to franklin
hung out with annie
beach, lagoon
drove topanga
bought a swan shirt
had some egg rolls :p

Jan. 2. 12

went for a run
went to sushi
hung out with these ladies
found a new love more mirrored buildings

Jan. 1. 12

jeffrey campbell party, idea, new year, fresh, happy, content, independent




layed on the grass, hung out with some nine year olds, drank apple cider and blew bubbles





2012:
year to be bold
face fears
explore what I have
and not focus on what I don't have
pull me, push me...for myself only